Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
