once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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