i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
