I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
