So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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