He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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