i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
