I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
