Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
