I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
