GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
