i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
