I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
