Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
