Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
