Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
