anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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