Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
