I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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