hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
