I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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