ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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