I will die if light touches me.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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