that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
