Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
