If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
