Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
