we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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