What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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