Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
