i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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