I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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