I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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