Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
