Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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