I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
