I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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