she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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