I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
