He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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