A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
