I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Bring me that man meat
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
