I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
