He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
