remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
