Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you had me at cake vodka
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
