I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
