Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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