I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just want to make out with him forever
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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