In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
