Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
