it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm too high and old for this...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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