I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
