I've blown a few things in my day
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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