Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
