Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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